im in love...

Yep! You didn't get the title wrong! Haha..finally!

I'm hooked on Super Juniors' "Don't Do", and in love with one member of the group Shin-Dong!! Wahaha! MTV Asia has been playing their song! The video was cool, and I loved the dancing!

He is a bit on the bigger side, but he is cute and good and dancing! He looks so cute here!

Shin-Dong oppah! Saranghe! *drools*

late night indulgence.

Oh my goodness. I have the smell of durians on my fingers and in my breath. My Mum got a box of durians worth twenty Singapore dollars and ate my heart out. I have been staying up late too, so I hope I won't get sick as durians are very heaty fruits, and I can't afford to be sick! Its stress again this week! Oh well, what's done is done, or eaten I should say, but it was sweet and creamy! Shucks. Addictive fruits. Gotta work on a report...T-T

toodles!

one step at a time.

Also with accordance to the song by Jordin Sparks.

I currently don't know what I am gonna do after I graduate from poly. Well, "one step at a time" that is. I have to complete my last semester in poly before I decide for real. I want to something I really like, like character design or something in the media or art industry. Haha. I will let the Lord decide for me. For now, I gotta work on reports and learn programming for real.

Wish me luck! Need it!

me again...

I felt really lonely on the journey back home from school. Probably it was the rain that made me dreary, along with the pain from the physical fitness test from the day before. Looking out of the bus window, I started thinking about what I have been doing for the past 18 years of my life. Come to think of it, I can't even remember what happened 2 years ago when I started my freshman year at poly. Seriously. On the bus I kinda felt like crying a little - don't know why. So much as happened during the last few years, and it had kinda affected me. Life is getting monotonous for me, and it dawned on me the idea of why I wanted to commit suicide a few years back. However, I think committing suicide is a stupid thing to do, and a coward's way to run away from things. I wanna have live my life to the fullest as there is so much to look forward to!

Oh well, enough about the gloomy stuff. My Mum is finally coming back from Hong Kong today, since she left on Sunday. She left me to fend myself against the laundry and the cockroaches in the rubbish chute. I felt kinda lonely, sleeping on such a big bed all for myself, and there is no one to talk to, other than myself! On the other hand, I am so looking forward to the Disney stuff she got for me and the photos she took too! Wahaha

On top of that today was an okay day. I was stuck at the programming for my project and didn't manage to make it perfect but, it looked kinda presentable. Most of the stress is over, but I have to get back to writing reports that are due next week. Oh well, better start on them soon.

Note to Self: Continue to Work Hard, No Slacking off! Try to Conquer Programming in Flash! ( I do hope so too!)

dad is getting...

lonely. shaggy-do. bald.

This was the first time I have seen my Dad in so many months. He looks the same - except for the bald spots appearing on the top of his head. At first, when my brother and I went to meet him, I was so afraid, I hid behind my brother, and my Dad saw us coming towards him. At first, I felt kind of awkward, but it got better eventually. We could not decide where to eat, but we landed up at Long John Silver's for dinner. As we gobbled down our food, we started having conversations, it got on well until he asked me about the money used to buy a bed frame. I didn't buy the bed frame, and told him a white lie - saying that I did. I used that money to get a glass writing table and a chair. hehe.

After that we went shopping, and my dad brought a pair of slippers and a few pairs of socks. He even wanted to buy me a bag when I said that one was cool looking but I didn't want any. When he had to head for work, I gave him a hug. As he left for the train station, my brother and I went to the carpark. On the way there, I told him that Dad looked so lonely from the back, and he looked so worn out and shag. My brother told me that he has not done any shopping at all for a long time and I told my brother that we could go shopping as a threesome sometime.

I'm glad I didn't cry last night, but I am like crying while writing the last bit here. The relationship with my Dad didn't change that bad, and now instead of hating him, I love him more. After all he is my dad, and I still wanna hang out with him. I'm glad I met him for dinner and I can't wait for our next outing.

P.S: Love you, Dad.

singaporean men

Singaporean men..(sigh).
I just don't get them.

Among the many peers I have met, the men(boys) I met, are nowhere near my expectations.
There are some who are not gentlemanly enough. There was this one time where I had to look for a group of secondary school guy classmates. I was late, and I was lost within the shopping mall. Even before I reached the mall, one of the guys called me up and said: "We are all waiting for you to come because you have the card". Or something like that. The card could get us a discount and get a bigger room to sing karaoke. When I was lost, I called one of the guys, and they didn't even bother to find me. When I managed to find the place, they were in one of fast food joints all talking amongst themselves, happily. I was infuriated and quickly took out my DS to calm myself down.I was pissed that day, and didn't have the mood to sing karaoke with them, and I kept harping on the fact that they didn't come and find me and said that thing about the card that hurt me. (sigh)

Yesterday, some of my girlfriends at school and I were walking back from the canteen to the block where we did our projects. One of the three guys started calling out the word "fat". Among the three of us, two of us were bigger-sized, and I didn't know who they were teasing at. The word was repeatingly shouted, probably about more than ten times. None of us turned around, which was a good thing. When my smaller sized friend and I got back to class, I kicked another guy's (out of the three) chair, and he happened to be in my project group. The rest of my teammates were probably shocked. I kicked that idiot's chair because he and his "gay-mate" might have have referred to my friend, I was actually fine with it as my Mum always picked on me about being fat and should start slimming down. (sigh)

Come to think of it, I shouldn't have cared about what the guys did, and vent my anger, because they were not worth getting angry for. I had the feeling that they were calling me fat instead of my friend because that teammate knew I hated him so he probably used the word fat to spite me.

Whatever. Childish boys. Both of the guys have been given nicknames by me, the guy that called out fat is named "bulky" because of his build with hulk-like muscles that are gonna rip his shirt open, and the other is called "sperm head" due to some reason.

My point is: What is it about being fat or even bigger-sized? Is it a crime? (sigh)
I'm already trying to lose weight, and what have I even done to you? (sigh)

Final Note:-

I swear: I will never fall in love with a Singaporean man ever!

lonely. fat. depressed.

Yup. That's what I can summarize myself for now.

Lonely - especially on the way home, alone. I live quite far away from town, in a neighborhood of oblivious people who do not seem to notice you coming towards their direction. While on the bus ride home, I am often being occupied by the music playing on my phone, but I still tend to feel a tinge of loneliness. My friends on the other hand stay quite near town - that's why I always tend to go home alone. On the bus, there are always couples who look so lovely-dovey together and they look so happy. I was thinking maybe I should get a boyfriend - but I would not want to commit my all into the relationship. I have seen relationships of my friends that initially looked so dreamy, but turned kinda sour as they got to know each other better and I am kinda afraid of that. Oh well..I might just have a phobia for relationships now.

Fat - yes, definitely, and very aware of it. I am about 1.59m tall and weigh about 65kg. That's pretty bad for myself. I am often reminded by my Mum about it like: "Look at you..you look very fat!" or something of that sort. "Yes mother, I know", is what I thought to myself every time she mentions about my weight. I have tried ways - like eating less carbo and meat, but looks like they are not working that effectively. Like they always say: "Easy to gain, hard to lose". When it comes to weight that is. Well...Just hope that I can succeed with more motivation and reality checks made by my Mum. I managed to lose weight once, and I hope I can do so now.

Depressed - of course. I have always been, since the divorce of my parents. Now, also of what I am gonna do after my 3 years of tertiary education - whether I could go to university and what are my future plans. I seriously have no clue about that. I do not even have the money to even attend one, and my grades is another matter all together. On top of that, I haven't even graduated yet! My goodness, I should probably get that settled out when I have the time..Yikes.

I probably need expert opinions on my problems, and I might have already suffered from mild depression.

P.S: Need help!!

disappointed.

Today was the last presentation that I was going to make for this particular module and it screwed up. What made me pissed and so flared about it was the fact that I already had my portion done, and wrote it down on a piece of paper to ease my presentation and the points were opted out from the powerpoint slides. The team member told me to include that particular portion verbally, where in fact the slides were showing only the other portion of my presentation. How would the class relate to that and absorb a whole chunk of information when they cannot even see the text? I admit that I actually forgotten to say it out, but come to think of it, I am pretty glad I didn't do so. Otherwise the presentation would be all messy and long-winded, with the class lost and disoriented about the whole presentation.

What my point is, they should have included at least a slide and the title of that particular portion. I was flabbergasted when they told me to include it in verbally. The girls in the team ought to be efficient as they did for the previous presentation, but I guess I was wrong. I realised that I was the only one sending my part just yesterday. I can pretty much tell they only compiled everything either midnight or early in the morning. I don't know what else to say about that.

On top of that, there was this particular team member that got on my nerves, saying what I did and identified was not important. In the end, I redid and prioritized what I thought was relevant enough on my part. I was pretty glad I did that even when it was not presented as well. The fact that I finished the presentation was also another another plus point.

All well ends well - I hope.

just shut up already!

My left eardrum is always tortured by the constant buzzing of a fly the size of a pea. Not just any ordinary fly mind you, but a screeching, long-haired and short fly, with no wings at all. In actual fact I am talking about this "girl" who back-stabbed my friend and I by claiming that we did not do our part in the project. This took place last semester, about 6 to 7 months ago.

She evaluated the both of us on a peer evaluation form which was submitted to the lecturer. On the form, she criticized the both of us real bad, and put us down. Of course, we did not actually see that piece of paper, but words of her horrendous deed spread like wild fire, and we heard it from one of our classmates. I was pissed as I turned up for every stay-back-after-school session that we had, and yet she claimed that I did nothing! That backstabbing bitch!

Why did I say that she was a fly? She was puny and always had to really on loud projections of her voice to sway the lecturers and even some classmates. Why the fact that she had no wings? They have been clipped off and cast aside when she make new friends and they would regenerate when she actually does - creating a sort of facade that she is actually a nice person when she is as bad as a rotten apple on the inside. Enough about her and her past deed! I already had to write her name as part of the dates (FYI: the month of June...) to be included in reports for the whole of last month and I hated that!

Just a few moments ago, she limped back to the classroom, and when in sight of her team member, she started declaring of what had happened to her. Annoyed, I increased the volume of
the playing song on my iTunes and I could still hear her loud and clear! Man was she loud - and on most occasion she keeps up that same volume! I was trying to contain myself with laughter, as she looked very much in pain - landing on her butt, falling in front of many others, and was caught with the alarm when she tried to take a already rented book out of the library! I must say this is one of the most happiest moments of my life - just laughing and watching her limping across the room in front of my eyes!...What a show!

She always tells her teammates about the other drivers that she meets on the road, about her dog, and her boyfriend. I mean just tell them or better still keep it to yourself, and stop declaring about these stuff! You can just tell them and not need to raise your voice for the whole world to hear! I don't give a shit of what happens on the road, whether your dog died or how good your boyfriend is to you.

I'm can just talk about her the whole day but I would choose not to. To that bloody, irritating and back-stabbing bitch: just shut up already!

PS: I'm only like that because of this particular person, and not to any of my friends. x-haha-x

my everyday (weekday) life.

Everyday, I am awoken from my sleep by this particular sentence: "Wake up, can eat already!" (typical singlish - i know) That's my Mum calling me. I drag myself out of bed. Fast forward to the bus station. I would wait at least 20 - 30 minutes for the free bus service to my school.

The first to arrive in the enormous classroom, I will switch on the lights and the a/c for my tiny un-soundproof cubicle assigned to my group. Then I have to help my buddies and myself sign in for attendance through the school's server.

Between 10 to 10.30, all my team members have arrived, all except for one. The only thorn among the roses, he has indeed served his sole purpose on that stalk of rose - by being participative and non-engaging, a major turn-off for myself and the rest of my members. It pains my ears and my eyes to see him everyday, and partly the reason why I detest going to school these days.

On top of that, he's very capable of making ambitious claims of him doing his part for the project, but none have come to realization yet. He tries to strike conversations with us, but sometimes to no avail. I find that very humorous and I always try to laugh when he's out for lunch.

Despite the everyday blues, I always maintain my happy mood and look forward to going home. However, these cycles always repeat itself, and I am feeling pretty bored.

I hope nobody has this kind of iterative cycles, because I presume no one would want them. Ever.

teary-eyed girl

Just yesterday when I was waiting in line at the bus station, this girl who was in front of me had some strange look on her face - like she was about to cry. After a few minutes, she actually did, and there were quite a few people looking at her. I glanced at her several times and at that instant, I automatically assumed it was guy problems. She cried really bad, with her eyes turning red. An elderly man went up to her and asked if she had a tummy ache. He started talking to her, and even sat beside her on the bus and comforted her - which i thought it was quite sweet of that elderly man to do so. Seeing her reminds me of the days when I saw my Dad for the first time after the divorce.

I stayed in school late and when I reached the station to catch a bus back to my aunt's condo, that was when I saw my dad. He started talking to me and I got really nervous, after we said our goodbyes, I went straight to the bus stop. At that instant, tears started flowing, and soon, I was tearing really badly, and when I boarded the bus, I was tearing and sobbing. Many of the passengers also looked at me, but I didn't seem to care about them because I was too busy unleashing the sadness through tears. When I reached the condo, I went directly to my mum and I started breaking down. My mum too broke down saying that she missed him. I think I cried myself to sleep that night. Over the course of the next few days, I saw him again. I began to get very cautious about seeing him, and I brought a cap on those nights to wear - in case I were to see him again.

Talking about my dad, I have probably thought that the divorce was a good thing for both my parents, but I hated the fact that my dad did not even try to salvage the marriage and even brought up the divorce. I know I can never see and love him in the same way anymore, given the fact that I have somehow forgiven him. I hated the fact that he said that the children will not be affected. For my elder brother, I guess he could take the blow better than me, and given the fact that I am much more emotional than your average girl.

Honestly, I still haven't gotten over this pain of the divorce, but I hope that through blogging, I might be able to clear this very heavy and emotional baggage.

PS: For those close friends of mine who do not know of this, I hope you know by now what brought the change in my character over the past few months. To those who do, thanks for being there for me. Luv ya.

best friend

The one best friend I truly have: My Mum

I mean, I do everything under the sun with this lady. From shopping, watching movies and even bearing grudges about others - what more could I ask for? She knows me inside out, and on certain occasions, we really think of the same stuff!

Like most other friends I have made over the past 18 years of my life, there is more to discover about her. Unlike me, she is strong and should I say - aggressive. In terms of expression, I mean. She could get more people up on a really crowded bus with the voice of thunder - one which I am not really eager to witness at all. These few weeks, I haven't been appreciating her and probably took her for granted. She has also been on her edge lately and she gets rowdy with me over a trivial thing. This aspect I can totally see it in myself.

I know that since the divorce she has indeed been dealt with many deadly blows to the heart and I really applaud her for trying to get herself moving in life, and she did it well. I didn't do too good compared to her, given that I was so much weaker than her emotionally. I often recollected the very meeting that my dad had the whole family seated down and told us of his decision. That was when it hit me, and it hit me real bad. I could not contain my tears, and it came flowing down like it was not gonna stop for any moment. My mum later told me she has somehow anticipated that things would end up this way, and she has stood very strong since that day.

How I wish to be like her, without over-sensitive tear glands that tear at even the most cliché and corniest love stories, but stand strong against what is striking her and what is about to. She has definitely become something more than my biological mother, but also my adviser and my confidante.

To My Mum, I love you.

entry no.1!

Nic's the name. You must be wondering why I named my blog after something you tie a psychotic man or woman with. Well, I feel like I am tied up in one. With my hands behind my back in a strait jacket, I feel lost, traumatized and I am finding my way out of it. Unfortunately, I am not david copperfield, but I am lucky I dun have to fall into the niagra falls with such a thing on. I guess after reading this, you might find that I am some really depressed and demoralized person.Perhaps, I would say that your assumption(s) is/are right. Nobody knows the true me, and I myself dun really know who I am, but I am about to find that out.

Thanks for reading my first entry.