come to think of it...

... I am one selfish fella. Saturday night, Fei asked me for help with the editing of her TOR (a report for the final year project). I regretted not helping her, and I feel so guilty and am ashamed at what kind of person I am.(I'm so sorry! Fei! Please forgive me!) I also kinda selfish towards my mum for not helping her with the housework, and I continuing to give her trouble almost every week (probably everyday too) due to my lousy attitude. My current personality has definitely put some people off, and I think this may be a facade of me based on what happened to me because of my family issues.

Watching the Oprah show on divorce was quite enlightening, because now I am more aware of what me and my mum are feeling emotionally from the divorce, and I have realised that I have kinda begun to be more silent about my problems than as compared to the past. I am not as outspoken as before with others. (sigh)

Currently I can't change overnight, I have to slowly work my way towards it - to not be so selfish, I mean. I'm such a weakling!! (WAH - cries loudly)

great days

Just last Friday, I went to see high school musical 3 with my secondary school buddies, and I say it was better than what I expected. I had expected the show to be very musical-like, like broadway, but it wasn't. The songs were good, and I definitely liked the storyline and the dance choreography. I was quite hesitant to watch it in the first place, but after watching it, I'm kinda glad I watched it. I ogled at the guys in the movie, and the place was filled with young caucasian girls that screamed when just when the movie started. Some parts of the movie were funny though, when the actors broke into song(s) all of a sudden. I found great relevance to the movie as it was about graduation, and I was soon about to graduate from polytechnic, and it made me think for a moment what I wanna do after I graduate. Seriously gotta think hard on this one...

Saturday I went back to my old workplace with my colleague. We went to develop photos for my ex-colleagues. My thumbdrive decided to work against me and that instant-photo-printing machine could not scan and print out my pictures for me. I regretted deleting the photos from my digital camera..I am supposed to meet my colleague again next saturday to pass my other colleagues my portion of the pictures and the ones I took with another colleague. Geez. I hope next week is the last week I am actually there, as I think I have things to do with my final year project, and I don't have much money left to hang out with my colleague. Haha..However I managed to see some of my ex-colleagues, and I was quite elated that they miss us..Haha. My ex- colleague and I went to eat sushi after that, and she a salmon-lover, and I have never seen someone order so many plates of salmon sushi before, like three plates of sushi, and a plate of salmon sashimi! We ordered food around the same price range so that it would be easier to split the bill among the two of us. How clever! I also bought a flat purse with the words: "I [heart] music on it. Saturday was a fruitful day - with the sushi for lunch and the wallet! Wahaha..LOL.

Friday and Saturday were great and happy days. I hope the next few days would be happy for me too!

WTH!!!

I spent the day doing...NOTHING. God! I hate this! I was supposed to study programming, but before I even started, I felt like I didn't wanna. I just spent my day wasting away when I could do something MORE PRODUCTIVE. Like they always "live in the moment" or that "time is short", but why do I feel so lazy! I have to really get back on my feet and start taking things and life seriously, and there is no more time left to slack for the project!! I practically watched TV, played my DS, and surfed the net on my laptop! This has to stop!

I just pray I have the strength and purge off the temptation of mangas, anime, and playing my DS.
(sighs)

weak!!

I am so weak!! Today when they told me to make payment, I could not even stand up and be firm towards the lecturer. After the lecturer left the room, and I was faced with someone from the organizing committee, I could not answer back and when my friend related my situation to that someone, I broke down in tears. I don't know, but I haven't thought of what happened to my family for so long, and when my friend mentioned it, I felt something jerked up from inside of me.

OH WELL - that jolly went well indeed. DARN.

I feel so bloody weak, and I think if someone threw a punch at me, I won't retaliate. Nowadays I don't get angry that easily, but on the other hand, I tend to cry more. If someone attempts to pierce my bubble very hard(or even try to squeeze my pimple/pull my white hairs), I could just scream into their face and they could fly miles away. I guess the less you get angry, you would get real mad if someone really intimidated or annoyed you. Just that one occasion would make the difference, and I am already morphing into that kind of person now. I'm warning those who really piss me off, or try to piss me off !! (especially that vegetable's group)

I'm gonna catch Oprah on Sunday on the Hallmark channel that talks about divorce, to see and feel how other individuals look at that matter, and see how and what they go through. This program could very well bring my recuperation process to full circle, and that I could just finally move on with my life. I would need to pray about it too.

Learning to program in Flash CS3 is kinda making me stronger, as I have to get really stubborn and look for more tutorials. It's an obstacle, but I hope I won't give up on the battle without trying to fight it. I hope to get more help though, but even the "GOD" of programming does not use this version of the program. The "GOD" I am talking about is this Vietnamese friend who actually taught himself programming and he is real diligent. (pout) If only he had learned this version of flash...(exhales deeply)

Ending the day here. I wanna wake up early to learn programming and do the report. Aiyaiyai...

i guess it went well...

Being a leader is hard, and now I am beginning to know how hard it is. I find it very hard to motivate the group, and I feel that sometimes when I talk to them and they don't respond back, I feel like I am talking to the wall or the air around me. Haha...I do get that feeling quite often when I am with my secondary school friends. Now I am currently stuck at planning the schedule for the team to accomplish for each week, which is a obstacle for me as I can't really predict or plan stuff that well. Geez. However, I like the fact that my team members also help to engage the group, and I feel quite lucky that I have these peeps as my team mates. Back to planning a better schedule and hope for a better week ahead.

P.S: I am trying my best to avoid paying the money for the graduation showcase, and I know many students from my cohord are trying to avoid it too. XD hehe...

i'm a loser.

I personally feel that I am quite the failure. Today my team mates voted me to be the leader of the group. I can't even express myself well, let alone be a leader. However, maybe I should take the chance and step up for the position. I have to really work hard on this one - from organizing, passing things to people to do and to be more sensitive to and about people. I find that I am quite the boring person and indeed I'm more of an introvert, and this could be indeed be a challenge. I'm not firm with my words, which is another flaw... I'd better pray to God to guide me in this project, and I really need all the help I can get.

P.S: I'm really a dimwit.

horror!

School reopens today, and the mood was well, the same as I always have when I went to work for the last couple of weeks - tiring and not interested in anything. When I sat down comfortably in my seat, that loudhailer came walking in and after a few moments, she started talking loudly and I was annoyed and infuriated in the morning already. When we had to be debriefed by a lecturer, this one heck of a blabbermouth started talking, and she was right behind me. She was talking about marriage and buying a house with her boyfriend and stuff, and I was thinking how stupid she is to settle down so quick and how this whole marriage thing will ruin her education. Even after the debriefing, she was still talking away, and that really killed my mood. There are definitely a lot of crazy people in my course and I just hate them - like the guy (sea lion) who flaps his slippers so hard that it is irritating. Back in class, even when I am listening to the rock songs on my laptop, I could still hear that blabbermouth talking so loud.

That sperm-head team member came in smiling and honestly I didn't care a hoot about him, and this school semester he has to repeat two modules and this will obviously drag the group down in terms of the programming aspect. The lecturer in charge of my group told us that we should treat him like a handicapped member, and give him the same amount of workload like before but "discounted". What the hell! I would think that this stupid sperm-head brought it on himself to repeat two modules. Throughout the entire day, it was sheer horror to even make it to the end of the day. I really hope I survive this one.

I am also desperate, and I need to get a reason for not doing that demo reel stuff. I have to juggle programming and the project basically and financially I can't afford to pay for the fee that goes to pay for that event . I need to avoid doing that demo reel at all cost as there is no time to do it, and I need to convince Joy (one of the organizers) to let me bail out of this one.

Today was one hell of a SHIT-FUL day.